CLUTTERBUCKS – EPISODE 10

Jane pairs her phone to the kitchen speaker and listens to the podcast while she makes coffee in her clean and organized kitchen.

Hello folks, and welcome to Funny Business, your guide to making a living in the world of comedy – and remember, folks, I didn’t say a good living. Cowboy Jim Dinner here and glad you’re listening. Very happy and excited to announce that as of today, this isn’t just a podcast anymore! We’ve been picked up by ZoomerMedia’ radio station so you can listen to us weekday mornings at 9 on Zoomer Radio! It’s a great station. The Original Greatest Hits. We are very excited around here! Starting Monday at 9 tune into Zoomer Radio 96.7FM in downtown Toronto, AM740 outside the city or listen from anywhere at zoomerradio.ca. Give it a whirl guys you’ll love it. This is in addition to the podcast and the podcast won’t change. Different format entirely for the radio show. Tune in and you’ll see! Starting Monday on ZoomerRadio!
And another big surprise coming at the end of the show. Don’t you hate that? At the END of the show? Well I’ve got a surprise for you right now, too. Very happy to announce that Daphne Buck will be my Monday co-host! That’s right. Tune in! She’s amazing as you all know. Took some doing on my part and several pizzas but I got her. And what’s more? I got her today, too. That’s right. She’s on her way here right now. Daphne and I spent the weekend together and I know how that sounds but it wasn’t like that I swear! Which I do more now. I mean if you’d have spent the weekend with her you’d be swearig more, too.
What we did was we this: We participated in a trial run of a Warrior Waze Tournament. You heard of Warrior Waze, right? Well let me tell you, it was quite an experience and I know it costs money and everybody’s tight for money these days, but this experience is incredible. Ours was free because we were part of a test group but the cost to participate in an actual tournament is $2,500 and I know that’s a lot of money. But there are only 13 contestants so you’ve got a pretty good chance of winning and if you do, you get twenty five grand. Yeah. Thought that might perk you up a little. So in this podcast we – my co-host Daphne and me – will be talking with the founder of Warrior Waze, Michool Waits, and we’ve teamed up with him to make you guys an offer you can’t refuse. To be announced at the end of the show. First, though, here’s Daphne!
Daphne: Hey Jim. Glad to see you’re all cleaned up just like me.
Jim: Haha. For you listeners, that’s a joke. We are both still in our very well used Warrior Waze weekend clothes. We just kind of ran over here to record this and–
Daphne: It’s probably better than you normally dress for recording.
Jim: Well, yes it is. You are not wrong. I am wearing pants today…

Jane goes into the back yard, the podcast fading through the screen door as she waters, using the kettle, the single petunia that has recently wiggled from the mass of weeds. The petunia immediately shrivels up and dies, Jane touches the kettle, says, “ouch. Oh damn. Sorry little guy,'“ and walks back into the house and through the kitchen...

…Michool: Hello Jim. Nice to see you too. Thanks for having me on. Hello Daphne.
Jim: Least I can do after that weekend. Man. And the food? Guys! Let me tell you about the food. I mean that steak you made us last night was the best steak I’ve ever had and I’ve had some good steaks...

...and up to her room. It’s warmer than she thought. Time to get into the summer clothes. Her closet is still packed with winter coats and big sweaters and scarves hang like moss and that’s something else she should do tonight, but for now, she fumbles through and finds a black sleeveless top she has no recollection of, puts it on, and goes back to make fresh coffee...

…That’s right folks. In addition to the two thousand dollar prize for our Skit Competition, we’re gonna throw in a Warrior Waze Weekend. Which means the winner is going to have a great weekend filled with unique challenges and when I say unique I mean surprising and so fun! AND a chance to win twenty five grand. And fun? I mean that hide-and-seek with those weird rules was amazing. Maybe because I totally killed it–
Michool: Yeah, you did. You did a few of those challenges really well.
Daphne: And you know I’ve got to say that when I first heard about Warrior Waze I thought it would be a bunch of men doing push-ups, you know, like those marine running guys who climb over nets and shit, but there was none of that. Well. That walking the plank was tough–
Jim: Do you want to mention that the only reason you had to walk the plank was because you got caught cheating?
Daphne: Yeah. Well that’s the best part. You can cheat if you can get away with it. No shame. It’s actually part of the game. You can actually get points by cheating. Charms, they’re called. Charms are like points.
Michool: Yes. Cheating is allowed. Encouraged, actually. But if you get caught, you gotta walk that plank. Unless you got a special charm in which case you can make somebody else do it for you.
Daphne: Yes. Cheating is encouraged, folks. And it’s not like the strongest person will win. Not like Survivor. Also not the smartest, so it’s no Jeopardy! either. It’s a unique combination of skills. And luck. A fair share of luck, wouldn’t you say guys. And Michool. Where on earth do you get all the great ideas for those challenges?
Michool: I don’t get ideas. They get me.
Daphne: It’s awesome….

…Jane takes her coffee and goes back upstairs. It’s too soon for sleeveless. She comes back down in what she was wearing originally...

…and the winner was a cop. I don’t think he cheated once. He wasn’t even supposed to be in it and that’s a long story but Michool put him in at the last minute.
Michool: Yeah. I didn’t have 13 so I was gonna play myself but that was going to be very difficult since I was cook and host and everything. Good thing he showed up when he did.
Daphne: And then the bastard won.
Michool: Haha. He sure did. And that’s not all he won methinks.
Daphne: Meaning?
Michool: Grace.
Daphne: You’re right. The tournament isn’t all he won, methinks as well.
Jim: Daphne if you’re going to be a good co-host instead of just a co-host, you can’t talk about people the audience doesn’t know. Consider yourself reprimanded.
Michool: Got a plank here Jim? We could make her walk it.
Daphne: Haha.
Michool: Hope you don’t mind, Jim, but I am going to use your platform here for a minute to invite applicants for the position of Assistant Coach at Warrior Waze. Message me. Warriorwaze.ca blah blah blah

Jane is feeling invincible these days. She’s sharp and strong, gets a good night’s sleep, eats real food, exercises. Hmmm. Assistant Coach? Maybe she could do the job.
She makes herself a detox tea to go, grabs a banana and shoves it in her bag, and leaves the house early. It’s a beautiful day, and her turn to open. 
Hilda is outside watering her flowers.
“Those are the fake ones I gave you,” Jane says, walking over and indicating the fluorescent purple flowers, with neon green leaves and stems.
“Oh yes,” Hilda says and changes her watering direction. “They look almost real, except for the colour. I thought it was just my sunglasses but then I realized I don’t have them on. They look martian-esque don’t they? Would you like them back?”
“No,” Jane laughs, “they’re all yours!”
“They’ll all be somebody else’s soon. Only another week if you can believe it. Oh. And I’ll be seeing Daphne today I hope. She’s got this guy you know,” Hilda leans and whispers. “Supposed to be very good – a jeweller – and I gave her the Tiffany brooch for cleaning so we’d be ready if we decided to sell it – do you know how much a down-payment is these days? – but then I had to call her to say not to bother because we decided not to sell it after all, that we’d leave it for Karley since she can’t have the house now. We have a mortgage again after all these years it’s ridiculous!” – Flash to Daphne on the phone in her car with the bracelet dazzling beside her in a Circio Jewellers box, it’s Hilda on the line telling her they decided not to sell after all, she slams on the brakes and we see her back at Circio’s forking out another five hundred bucks for him to put the fake diamonds back in. – “Anyway, I’ve been expecting her for a couple of days now. Turns out it’s a good thing she’s late. It’s given us time to think about it and we’ve changed our minds again, we’ve decided to sell it after all, but I’m not telling Daphne it’s too embarrassing. It was Karley who said we should do. Sell it and enjoy the money now while we can, she said, and we talked it over, and we believe she’s right. I’ve got an appointment at Tiffany’s on Bloor Friday.”
“Other than the late brooch, everything going okay with Daphne?”
“Oh yes. I mean we’re getting through it. She’s quite insistent, isn’t she? She likes to make decisions and she’s certainly not one to change her mind. Which is why I feel so silly about going back and forth on the bracelet. I’m not going to tell her about the Tiffany appointment. As far as she’s concerned, we’re keeping it. She’s not a waffler. I guess that’s the way professional organizers have to be. She just won’t take no for an answer sometimes. Also yes. She won’t take yes for an answer sometimes either.”
They both look up as a truck careens down the street and comes to a sudden stop in front of Hilda’s house.
“Ah. Right on time!” Hilda says.
“Morning ladies!” Jet scrambles out of the truck and hits the ground running. “I’ll just go get the stuff from the back yard now if you don’t mind Hilda. Gotta get it to Daphne’s this morning.”
Jane doesn’t like the sound of that. And she doesn’t like the smell of it either. She walks over to the truck and opens the driver’s door. There is indeed the smell of alcohol.
“I’ll be right back, Hilda,” Jane says. “Just going to see if he needs a hand.”
“I imagine he will. That cast iron patio set is very heavy. Don’t know how–”
Jet comes from between the houses with the table on his back. Jane watches as he carefully places it in the truck.
“Everything okay, Jet?” she asks.
“All good,” he says and then he belches. “Does kombucha go bad? Trying to repair my guts. And liver. But I think that stuff’s off.”
“I think it starts out bad,” Jane says. “So that’s what I smell. Thought I could smell alcohol on you.”
“Oh my God I used to dread those words more than anything. No. You don’t smell alcohol on me,” he lowers his voice. “You should come to a meeting with me. I go every night. You know the church by the school on Guildwood Parkway? It’s in there. Come on tonight. Why not? Starts at seven. I’ll save you a chair.”
“Oh boy! I’ve got so many things I’ve promised myself I’ll do tonight!” Jane says.
“Don’t know how you are doing it on your own, Jane,” he whispers. “What happens when things get tough if you don’t have a support system in place?”
“No, no. I’m good thanks, Jet. Maybe another time.” She turns to Hilda, “Have a nice day, Hilda. See you tonight. And those roses are fake, too.”

“I knew I couldn’t trust you,” Jane says the minute Daphne gets in the door.
“What?”
“I knew it. People don’t change.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Hilda. She said you took the brooch back. That you were supposed to return it last week AND while I was there, Jet came and took the contents of her backyard. I see you got your hands on all that, too. Talked her out of that beautiful cast iron patio set, huh?”
“Hey! Stop right there! I just dropped the brooch off at Hilda’s now. And did she mention that I paid nine hundred for the backyard set? Exactly what it’s worth!”
“Oh. No she didn’t. Nine hundred. Wow. Sorry.”
“Yes. Glad to hear Jet picked it up. I wanted it for today. Vera’s starting this morning.”
“Who?”
“Vera. The lady from the Kingston Road house.”
“What do you mean “starting”? 
“Taking care of Harriet.”
“What? You didn’t tell me that. Are you sure you want to do that? I mean I thought you said she was crazy?”
“I did not use that word. Did I? Anyway. If I did I take it back. I don’t think a broken heart equals crazy, do you?”
“I think it can.”
“I thought you might be more empathetic, you know, as someone in recovery–”
“Who told you–”
“What do you mean? I was just saying–”
“That I’m in recovery. Who told you? Jet?”
“What are you talking about? I meant in recovery as in the no-shopping thing. You are in another kind of recovery?”
“Valium. Percocet. Quit last week.”
“Oh. I had no idea.”
“Funny isn’t it how we all walk around having no idea about what the other guy is going through?”
“I know. I was thinking that too. About Grace and everything she’s gone through. About Jet. About Vera. About my mom. Everybody’s got a story.”
“That’s for sure. And now you know mine.”
“How’s it going? You seem the same to me, honestly, I didn’t even notice.”
I’ve managed to keep myself busy. In fact, my concentration project is for you. A surprise. I hope to have it ready in a couple of days. I work on it here and of course can only get at it when you’re not around. Hence the surprise.”
“For me?”
“Yes. It’s taking a while.”
“I am not very often the surprised, I am most often the surprisee, and as such I am reluctant to stand in the way of progress.” Daphne picks up her bag. “So if you don’t mind, and I know I’m pushing my luck here, but if you don’t mind opening again tomorrow morning I’d like to go to Hilda’s and make a real dent in it. I know she’s stressed–”
“Don’t mind a bit. And glad you dropped the brooch off. Sorry I jumped to the wrong conclusion. I feel awful but would a secret make up for it? Hilda doesn’t want you to know – she’s afraid she’ll look foolish so don’t give it away – but she’s decided after all that to sell the brooch anyway.”
“What?”
“Yes. She’s taking it to Tiffany’s next week to see what they’ll give her for it. Good secret?”
“The best secret of all,” Daphne says rushing out the door.

Gerry, the Warrior Waze winning cop, convinced Grace to get a phone, it’s a matter of safety he said, and now that she has one, she needs to learn how to use it so she texts the number he gave her: I needle hello wiht thi phone are you burly tonihtg#$?
Gerry convinced Grace of a few others things, as well.
Here’s how it went down that Friday night of the Warrior Waze weekend:
“I know you didn’t want to tell us much at the station,” Gerry began, “and I am here unofficially. I can’t actually stop thinking about you – your case, I mean – and I’ve done some investigating, but before I go any further I need more information from you. Also I need your permission to continue. So here’s what I’m thinking: We need to put on another festival. You know. A summer street festival and maybe they’ll come back and we can get something of the child’s, a pop can or a tissue or something I can take in for DNA. What do you say?”
Daphne was listening.
“You know,” she said, “I always thought we should have a Strawberry Festival around here. A Strawberry Celebration. You say the word, Grace, and I’ll get going on it. We’ll advertise just like before. Ontario Strawberries are at their best in a couple of–.
“Hey, you two! We’re waiting to start playing! Are you coming?” Michool hollered on his way up the stairs. “Oh, sorry sir, I didn’t see you there.”
“Officer Crown,” the man introduced himself. “Met you last week. Michool, right? I’m off-duty now. It’s Gerry.”
“Oh. You must be here to see Grace. Don’t let us stop you. Please. Sorry to interrupt.”
Neither Michool nor Daphne make any attempt to leave.
“Take a couple of days to think about it, Grace. I’m off all weekend. Here’s my number,” Gerry handed her his card. “Let me know when you figure out what you want to do – when you decide how you want to tackle this – like I said it’s unofficial and will be just between us.”
He looks at Daphne and Michool. “Well. Obviously your friends are included, but the department is not. Until you want them to be, that is. If you do.”
“Hey,” Michool interrupted again, “can I make a suggestion?”
“Up to Grace, really, how involved she wants you guys to be.”
“No, no. This has nothing to do with Grace. Have you heard of Warrior Waze?”
“Definitely. A couple of my colleagues have applied.”
“How would you like to join us for the trial tournament?” Michool asked. “If you’re off this weekend. I’ve invited friends – these two ladies included of course – but could use one more player. Ran out of friends.”
“Well. I’ve got nothing up this weekend,” he shrugged. “Not much of a social life yet. Just moved here from Thunder Bay.”
Bounce chirps from the rafters.
“Well then,” Michool turns to go downstairs, “just a couple of forms and you’re in. Come on.”

Daphne wonders how Vera and her mom are getting along. Probably would have heard by now if it was a disaster. She imagines them sitting around the new patio set, maybe a bird or two in the bird bath, Harriet explaining to Vera what’s a rain chime. Vera a good listener. Happy to learn ping-pong which Harriet now calls slowping, due to her strained wrist.
Daphne’s vision is perfectly accurate. They are enjoying the beautiful weather, getting to know one another when Vera suddenly says, “Now I remember where I’ve seen you before.”
“My memory is not what it should be so you’ll have to tell me.”
“I’m not sure you want to know.”
“Know what?”
“Oh. I see. Then I might as well tell you.”
“Tell me what? My memory isn’t what it used to be – but one thing’s for sure – your secrets are always safe with me.”
“Six years ago my husband was killed by a drunk driver and I think your husband was in the same accident. The gentleman who died was Honest Clutterbuck. Who could forget a name like that.”
“Honest Clutterbuck was my husband.”
“Then it is you.”
“What’s me?”
“Your husband –”
“He died six years ago. Let me tell you there’s something good about losing your memory because some things hurt too much to remember, don’t they? Sometimes I think this condition I have is a blessing. I come and I go. Quite like it really. Much less to worry about.”
“I remember everything,” Vera says.
“That was the title of a story I wrote once. I Remember Everything. It was about an elephant called Neptune. First time I’ve thought of it in years.”
“You’re a writer?”
“My mother loved to read and developed macular degeneration in her later years and that’s when I started writing stories for her. Along with her sight she lost patience and couldn’t stand long stories she just wanted little ones, five or six minutes tops, no villains, happy endings. And into the stories I put little bits of her life, I’d watch sparks fly as I read, the snippets of her past gave her such joy, such a lift. I gave the characters names that she recognized, they lived their brief lives in lands she knew, they dreamed under skies beneath which she, too, had dreamed, they lived within walls she remembered.
“Goodness,'“ Vera said, “I’d love to read them.”
“Don’t even know where they are now. I’ll have to remember to ask Daphne.”
“Write it down.”
“Write what down?”
“Write down the things you want to remember. For instance write down that you want to ask Daphne about the stories. Write things down as you think of them in a place Daphne will see. We need to get you a chalkboard. Let’s go to Staples now. Would you like to?”
“Things sometimes get away from me so quickly. Like I have an idea we were talking about something important a minute ago, and it’s gone. And now whatever that was is gone, too. Daphne says living with me is like living in an acid trip.”
“Well let’s go, then.”
“Go where?”
“Staples.”
“Oh yes, let’s. I’m hungry.”
“For a chalkboard, though, Harriet. And the first thing we will write is for Daphne to find your stories.”
“Oh goodness. I haven’t thought of those stories in years.”

Jane walks by Our Salad Days, where Michool and Matthew are sitting at separate tables.
They both watch her. She looks beautiful today and Michool especially appreciates her. He’s just come from the home where he’s been visiting his Mrs. Rochester, the name Michool’s mother gave her daughter-in-law long ago.
Kreskin comes out the door, smiles and holds it for his mother as she walks in, and heads for the limo, as does Matthew, carrying his coffee.
“Jeez. Did you see your mom today? She looks amazing. Like she used to, you know, when I married her. Wow.”
Kreskin seldom uses his powers to influence but his father’s just not getting the hint so he shoves a few ideas his way and says, “We need a bookstore in this neighbourhood,” and finally Matthew sees the light.
“Funny you should say that, son, but you’re absolutely right. We do need a bookstore in this neighbourhood. I’ve been in a lot of bookstores lately, and just this minute – right before you said it – I got the crazy idea to open one myself. But not just a bookstore,” he turns to Kreskin. “Records, too. Electronics. Movie posters. Album art. Keyboards. Synthesizers. And it’ll be a marijuana dispensary, too. And an art gallery. Maybe in that place across from Clutterbucks. You know the house beside Simpletons. The red brick one.”
“Yeah. That’s a nice old place.”
“Yes. A gallery! A bookstore! A pot store! A creative paradise! The Melting Pot,” Matthew says excitedly. “I’ll call it The Melting Pot. Get it?”
“I get it. And I get the attic.”
The final idea Kreskin pushes, and the reason he wants his father to do this in the first place, comes out of Matthew’s mouth next.
“I want it to be a sort of commune. A place where like-minded people, from poets to scientists can congregate and learn from one another. I want the four bedrooms upstairs to be available, on a rotating basis, to the great minds of your generation, son.
“Perfect,” Kreskin says. “Except the attic is mine. Always. You’ll have to go through my manager, you know, for the money but you have my absolute backing, that’s for sure.”
“You do know I’m sleeping with your manager don’t you?” Matthew says fully confident.
“Not Vanity, dad,” Kreskin says. “Mom’s my new manager.”
“Oh no,” Matthew didn’t mean to say it out loud.

Only a block away from Clutterbucks, the person who snuck his application into the doors of Warrior Waze gets a confirmation email from Michool, reminding him that his tournament starts in three days. As if he would forget.
If Daphne knew this person was back, she’d hire him in a heartbeat to break into Hilda’s and get the brooch so she could take it to Circio’s and have him replace the rhinestones with the diamonds, again, and then, of course, this person would have to re-break into Hilda’s to put it back and everything would work out just fine. But it looks like Daphne might have to figure out another way. Jet’s not nearly as cat-like as Avo was.

Vera arrives late on Thursday, whispers hello and sorry and goodbye to Daphne, and hurries out into the backyard where Harriet is waiting.
“He’s getting out today,” she says to Harriet, breathless. “My lawyer just let me know. He served six years and is getting out today. I know where he lives and I am going. Would you like to come?”
When Daphne gets home that night, the following words, written in Harriet’s hand, are on the chalkboard: Max Dobson got out this morning. Gone to Niagara with Vera.