CLUTTERBUCKS SEASON 2 — EPISODE 1

Daphne can’t decide who to tell first. Should she go home and tell Harriet, or to the store where there will be more ears? But then it occurs to her that this one might be different, she might want to go this one alone, but she’s not used to keeping quiet about anything and she needs something to calm the butterflies – food usually comes to the rescue – so she looks around the car, checks her purse and pockets, between the seats, and finally opens the glove compartment. A single lopsided chocolate, naked, falls onto the carpet. She grabs it, blows on it, and tosses it into her mouth.
“Ugh,” she makes a face. “I hope that was a raisin.”
Still chewing and still on the prowl she spots I Scream, the joint that just opened on Kingston Road and she pulls in. A magnetic tray is immediately slammed against her car door, she doesn’t know it’s a drive-in and struggles to get out until she realizes. The waitress is wearing a t-shirt with a black and white version of The Scream, surrounded by a clock of ice cream cones in bright neon colours. Daphne, still chewing, smiles. She’s pretty sure it’s a Saving Grace design.
Her car window is fickle and has chosen this time to remain closed. Daphne mimes through the window to the waitress, still chewing wildly, trying to get across that it’s broken. The waitress interprets her gestures as an order for the We All Scream, and delighted, she zips through the revolving doors and right back out again with the majestic treat involving ice cream balls skewered on a thick pretzel stick. She has to snap it in half over her knee before it fits through the window which Daphne has managed to inch open.
”Here. Take it. Quick. It’s heavy,” the girl says, “and melty.”
”What the hell is this?”
”Thirty two dollars and twenty five cents please.”
“What?! ”
”I know. The boss says it’s gonna catch on but, well, I don’t know. I think he’s new to ice cream. I mean who’s going to order an ice cream kebob? Besides you, that is.”
We catch a glimpse of Sylvester inside, happily slicing ice cream gyros.
“Good luck with that,” the server says as Daphne takes an enormous bite. “Wow! Looks like you’ll be fine,” she adds.
Daphne waits for her transaction to go through, she’s still chewing whatever that was from the carpet, and back on the road she holds the kabob to her mouth like a microphone, tells it everything about her potential sitcom, bite by bite, and by the time she parks behind Clutterbucks, the ice cream is gone and her secret is safe.
She doesn’t get out.
Instead she stares blankly through the windshield at the back of the store, a certain transformation takes place before her eyes and she’s suddenly the audience, watching through the invisible back wall a woman at the cash desk. Wait. It’s her. It’s Daphne. The floor becomes a stage, the store a set. Curtains are being hung – is that Jane? – yes, it’s Jane on a stepladder, hanging the fabric, looping and stringing lights, she hollers for help and Michool comes running, wait, he’s dancing and so light on his feet who’d have thought. He reaches for Jane who takes his extended hand, and they dance away in each other’s arms. We hear Michool say you’re fabulous! The boom keeps coming down – who’s operating it anyway? – oh of course, it’s Simple Simon. Next we see Avo he’s ever-so-quickly building the set, instantly turning out shelf after shelf after shelf, which Grace races to populate as if she’s on an assembly line – remember Lucy and Ethel and the chocolates? – she stacks and teeters this and that, hides the abundance up her sleeves, in her mouth, under her arms. She places on one shelf a large Royal Dalton of two elegantly intertwined cats who suddenly move and separate into the definitely inelegant Rig and Mortis. A grey bird swoops above them and they look up. Is that a bit of tinfoil on its head? Mortis twitches, Rig twitches in time, and they perform a half-synchronized slow motion and inept can’t-can’t, exit stage left, and fall into each other’s arms laughing. There’s hammering in the background, it’s Max beneath a swinging trouble light working on the prop furniture which transforms under his hammer into a drum set, Normal’s on upholstered cymbals, silent in spite of her enthusiasm, and as Max gathers the beat she rips the fabric off and joins him. The door opens revealing Cowboy Jim – who knew he could sing? – the door chimes accompany him as he sings At first she was afraid and behind him comes Jet she was petrified (is that stand-up white collar a fashion statement or a display of spiritual devotion?) followed by Harriet whose little triangle and stick produce heaps of glorious notes, as if it’s a harp.
Daphne, the stage Daphne, who is clearly wearing head-to-toe Spanx – or is that a wetsuit? – beneath her shimmering evening dress, suddenly turns to the audience and freezes. Max executes a drumroll, Jane comes at Daphne from behind and shimmies her arms under Daphne’s useless ones, providing the jazz-hands the situation demands, and we hear the boom of Cowboy Jim’s very amplified voice like it’s from heaven and here’s our creator, our writer and executive producer, our director and our star, DAPHNE CLUTTERBUCK!
Audience Daphne leaps from the car, the moon is her spotlight, she quickly works up an enthusiastic, fully-felt strut and she belts out At first I was afraid, I was petrified…
The stage is suddenly accessible from the parking lot, it tilts to accommodate her, several illuminated arms reach out to steady her, and she leaves the moon’s light and dances flawlessly onto the now dark and empty stage where she stops and stands alone, the music suspended, the only sound is Kreskin’s beating hand on the body of his guitar. Above Daphne’s head, one huge letter at a time cracks through the darkness, eventually spanning the width of the stage. The letters spell out SELF DOUBT and it is to these words the remainder of the anthem is directed. Daphne looks up and gestures to the words as she sings:

…kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
And so you're back
From outer space (a twirl of ufo-inspired lighting)
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key
If I'd known for just one second you'd be back to bother me

(Jane comes on stage and joins Daphne, they both look up to the words and try to shoo them away)
Go on now, go, walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?
You think I'd crumble?
You think I'd lay down and die?

Oh no, not I, (Michool joins in a his voice hilariously falsetto) I will survive
(Jane and Daphne push him away)
Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
And I've got all my love to give and I'll survive
I will survive, (everybody else come up, they stand in a row under the sign) hey, hey

(Grace)
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
(Avo)
Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
(Jet)
And I spent oh-so many nights just feeling sorry for myself
(Max)
I used to cry
(Max, Jet, Avo, Grace)
But now I hold my head up high and you see me
(Ample Bob)
Somebody new
(all)
I'm not that chained-up little person still in love with you
And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free
Well, now I'm saving all my lovin' for someone who's loving me

(Daphne)
Go on now, go, walk out the door
(Vera)
Just turn around now
(Harriet)
'Cause you're not welcome anymore
(all)
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?
(Grey Bird tweets)
You think I'd crumble?
You think I'd lay down and die?

(all)
Oh no, not I, I will survive
(Daphne)
Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive
(all)
I've got all my life to live
(Daphne and Jane, everybody else leaves)
And I've got all my love to give and I'll survive
(Michool joins in, falsetto)
I will survive

(everybody scrambles back for the final syllable)
Oh
(they leave again, it’s just Jane and Daphne now, tempo slows, letters weaken)
Go on now, go, walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?
You think I'd crumble?
You think I'd lay down and die?

(Daphne is alone now, the words SELF DOUBT short out and with mini explosions they fade away, replaced in a blinding flash with CLUTTERBUCKS and Daphne absolutely belts this part out)
Oh no, not I, I’LL BE A STAR
Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll MAKE IT BIG
I've got all my life to live
And I've got all my love to give and I'll GET AN EMMY
I’ll GET AN EMMY, (everybody) hey, hey

The curtains close, it’s very quiet, a pin drops, we hear Daphne whisper “where’s my fucking pin?” a scuffle and then she peeks through the curtains and with a big smile says, Welcome to Season Two everybody!

Lights dim and Daphne’s in the parking lot alone, it’s dusk, she locks her door with a final hey she walks through the alleyway, turns onto Kingston Road and there’s Kreskin on the bench as usual, still drumming the guitar, lightly, and they smile at one another, of course Kreskin knows her secret and she can see his happiness for her on his face. Daphne enters Clutterbucks where there’s still a little shimmer of magic in the air, Rig and Mortis zoom by in top hats and tails, the bells muster and echo the last few notes of Gloria Gaynor’s glorious anthem and Daphne stands there a minute to appreciate all she’s got. She smiles, takes a deep breath, we get the impression she’s ready for everything Season Two’s going to throw at her.
“Bring it on,” she says, “bring it on.”
Let me tell you what you missed over the summer and then we’ll get on with it.
I’ll start with Grace’s sister, remember her? The one from the fair, she was working in a bakery, well turns out she owns it, the one called Sweet Everythings. Her name is Hill – remember now? – she was looking after the little girl that day, the one so much like Grace, always looking up at the sky as if searching for balloons.
Cop Gerry’s out of the picture now after Avo raised all the red flags, including the fact that he, Gerry, lied about the DNA test results, telling Grace the child wasn’t hers.
Grace went to Sweet Nothings where she revealed herself to her sister. She didn’t mean to say anything about the child, she’d decided on one earth-shattering revelation at a time, but she did. She said and I’m Sam’s mother right away. You might expect drama but that’s another story, not this one, not Clutterbucks. For us there there are no hard feelings, not a trace of jealousy, but only joy and love and support, nothing to disturb the child who now has two moms, simple as that. First time she goes out with her new mom the two of them buy balloons and go down to the beach at the bluffs to release them. They don’t want to disappoint the children who have been enjoying them all these years. Also, looking at the big blue sky, she’s beginning to think T-shirts aren’t enough for her any more.
With apologies I can tell you nothing further about Uncle. He seems to have disappeared that day at the fair. Just maybe keep an eye out.
Greybird took the money and ran. He ended up getting $800,000 for the Tom Thompson painting and is building several new worlds now all across Canada, one reservation at a time. In his stead, Clutterbucks has a resident Grey Bird, Bounce, who identifies as human, one in particular, often can be seen with a scrap of tinfoil adorning his head. It is only Simple Simon who calls Bounce by another name, not a real word but the past tense of what Bounce does on Simon’s shoulder every chance he gets.
He calls him Shat.
Now let’s talk about Kreskin. Last we heard he was doing book signings in and around Toronto. He ended up whirlwinding right across Canada, from coast to coast, home for a few days before doing the US in the same fashion, but just before the European tour he quit, much to the annoyance of Vanity Long who threatened to drop him (she never would), and also a blow to his father Matthew who had become his bodyguard, a position deemed necessary because of the crowds, the frenzies, for Kreskin was as popular (flash to Keith Richards reluctantly handing Kreskin his crown) as a rock star. He is now once again resident busker at Clutterbucks, everybody wondering when his next masterpiece will be released, thinking he’s writing when he’s actually doing something entirely different. You’ll have to stick around for that one.
Max. Max is working. Max is always working. He hasn’t stopped since he got to the space Daphne created for him in Clutterbucks. Where’s Max? He’s working. There is somebody looking for him but he’s a tough brother to find.
We’re sad to see Normal leave Our Salad Days. She quit her job and decided to move up north, all the way to Thunder Bay. She tried to find love with Kreskin, Simon, Max that we know of, but to no avail, so she’s starting the business she’s been dreaming of, a match-making website called Hook, Line and Sinker for those who are looking for life partners, and Hook-up, Line and Stinker for the rest.
Simple Simon so thoroughly enjoyed the opening of Season Two – you saw him dance, right? I mean how could you miss him? – he’s started a late-night dance instruction studio in Simpletons. Two Left Feet is opening as soon as he can find teachers, he’s currently advertising, and oh look, who’s that coming down the street, his feet barely touching the ground?
Vera’s back, still looking after Harriet although sometimes it’s the other way around. Both are devoted surrogate grandmothers to Max, they often go shopping together for fabrics, there’s a friendly, mostly, competition between them for picking the one he likes best. Also socks. They both knit him socks and again it’s competitive. Not unusual for one or the other of them to lift up his pant leg and holler, “mine!”
Circio hasn’t been seen. This does not mean he cannot be found. Daphne is looking for him, he knows it and will make her wait until he’ll be able to charge her a panic-fee, Karen Buck her real-estate agent cousin has given her a new client dripping with opportunity. Jane is suspicious but Daphne is more careful than ever now that she’s thinking of the sitcom and how she might turn down the television station’s offer and go it alone. It’s not cheap creating a sitcom.
Michool is head over heels in love with June – I mean Jane – Michool is head over heels in love with Jane. One little problem is that his wife, a.k.a. Mrs. Rochester, has started a new medication. It’s being introduced slowly – it’s been several months – but things are starting to untangle in her head. For the first time in maybe twenty years she can catch on to things and is starting to remember feelings she had for her husband, Michael, who has recently begun divorce proceedings, a complicated undertaking under such unique circumstances. Will Michool reverse his decision when he see that she’s getting better? Or, will he refuse her any further treatment? Would he do such a thing? Might surprise you.
Have I covered everybody? You don’t have to worry about Daphne and Jane. They’ll tell you everything themselves just like they always do those two, and we’ll figure out the Avo part as we go, and Cowboy Jim, also Jet’s surprising new direction, Grace is working on a t-shirt for him now. Won’t hear much from Hilda for a while, but she might poke her nose into Clutterbucks, she just lives down at the street after all it wouldn’t be much of a stretch.

But first back to Daphne who just entered the store. She’s surprised there’s nobody there. She hollers, “hey anybody here? Grace? Max? Anybody?” and suddenly Jane flies in the door, she’s had a hair cut, it’s quite short, and she’s been crying.
Daphne asks “what’s wrong?” and then turns. “Oh my God!” she says.
“What’s wrong? You really have to ask me what’s wrong??
“It’s not that bad, Jane. A little short but not that bad.” Daphne revolves around Jane who stands stoic, “God. It really is short isn’t it? Like Eddy Haskell.”
“What are you talking about?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Look.”
Jane smiles. She’s got a diamond grill.
Daphne shields her eyes. “What the hell is that?”
“I asked for a crystal. As in one. Have you seen some of the girls who have a crystal on a tooth so it sparkles? Super cute. Normal had one, remember?”
“Yes, but it was just a blip of a thing.”
“I know. I don’t think Dr. fucking Lightshow or whatever his name is knew what I was asking for. He doesn’t know how to be subtle. He asked if I was sure and I mean I know I’m over the age where it’s appropriate but honestly Daphne I feel like a kid these days and I just wanted a sparkle.”
“Well,” Daphne says putting on her sunglasses, “you got one.”
Jane picks up a hand mirror and looks at herself.
“Surely you can have it removed,” Daphne says.
“Not until it fully hardens which takes about a week–”
She smashes the mirror down, picks it up and looks at herself again, and she’s shattered it into a million pieces.
“There goes another seven fucking years,” she says, which is exactly what Michool said when his lawyer, earlier that morning, told him the timeline of his requested divorce: “Seven years if you’re lucky.”
“I need a second opinion,” Michool said.
Flash to a dozen lawyers, one after the other, in continually downgraded circumstances, all saying the same thing, one after the other, “seven years if you’re lucky”, the second-to-last lawyer toothless living in a trailer, the final one wearing orange saying it through bars.
The gaggle of bells plays I Fought The Law and in walks Michool.
“Where’s the bees?” he asks.
“Where’s the whats?” they both say.
He turns to Jane.
“Your beehive. It’s gone. Where are the bees?”
Jane looks at him, decides to get it over with, and smiles. Each tooth is adorned, buzzing, with a big crystal.
“Oh my God! There they are!”
He runs out the door.